


For the world is hollow without you

by PeterHaleforAlpha



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Ep 3x08, Episode Related, Hurt/Comfort, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 18:50:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8221222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeterHaleforAlpha/pseuds/PeterHaleforAlpha
Summary: After the events of 3x08 Jim stays with his friend in medbay to look after him. They start to talk about what happened.





	

**Author's Note:**

> My friend made me watch this episode and I was emotional compromised I had to write something so others can suffer with me :D

“You really don’t have to babysit me all night, Jim,” McCoy mumbled. “I’ll be a good boy and stay here.”

Jim tilted his head, studying his best friend with doubt. He had been putting up quite a fight only an hour ago and tried to reason with Nurse Chapel to get released. He was back to his old health after all, was his argument.

Jim tried to stay out of it, he had a lot of respect for Christine and he knew that she could put McCoy in his place if she wanted to. She did it in the end. She won.

Since then McCoy had been quiet, just mumbling grumpy words of frustration into his non existent beard here and then.

“Seriously, Jim, just get some sleep,” McCoy tried again to get rid of him.

The reason Jim had stayed right next to McCoy was clearly not because he wanted to make sure that he didn’t leave medbay. Okay, maybe a really small part wanted to make sure that didn’t happen but the largest part of him was still just worried. This whole day had been an emotional rollercoaster and Jim didn’t know where to put his feelings. “You just wanted to leave us,” he said out of the blue and was surprised himself. He hadn’t realized that this was one of the things that hurt him the most.

“Jim…” McCoy’s voice had changed. It was barely a whisper, full of regret.

“You just wanted to stay on this ship.” _With her_ , he added in his thoughts but couldn’t say it out loud. The thought of McCoy choosing Natira over the _Enterprise_ still hurt.

McCoy didn’t answer, just pulled himself up and sat now on his bed. Jim stared at him curiously, waiting for any kind of explanation. “You have nothing to say to that?” After all he acted against a direct order of his captain.

“I thought it would be best.” McCoy raised his head, the uncertainty that was there just a second ago had vanished.

“Best for whom?” Jim asked incredulously. He could think of hundred better ways how McCoy could have dealt with the situation. To run away with the first woman he found had not been on Jim’s list. It was cowardly at best.

“For all of us. Spock, you, me.” McCoy took a deep breath. “Natira was an unexpected solution to everything.”

Jim frowned. “I don’t understand you, Bones. How should this been best for Spock or me?” He wanted to blame McCoy for everything but Jim couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he pushed him into Natira’s reach. He ordered him to distract her. He gave her the time to make her propositions to McCoy.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice, Jim. All the worried glances you threw at me when you thought I didn’t look? And Spock _squeezed_ my arm.” McCoy shook his head slightly. “I could see it all so clearly and I couldn’t do it.”

“See what?”

“The next twelve months. I just couldn’t do it. Natira gave me a way out.”

Jim felt anger rise inside of him. “So you preferred to spend the rest of your life with a woman you barely knew than to spend it _here_?” _With us. With your friends._

McCoy nodded, a serious expression on his face. “Exactly.”

“Exactly,” Jim repeated McCoy’s words with a huff and leaned back in his chair. His gut twisted in a painful way. McCoy had really wanted to just leave them, without even a proper goodbye. He only stood there and watched them beam back to the _Enterprise_.

“I thought you would understand, Jim,” McCoy said after a while into the silence. Jim couldn’t talk anymore, didn’t want to. He didn’t want to hear how irrelevant he was to McCoy.

“Understand?” Jim’s voice rose once more. “You disobeyed my orders, you just decided to stay on this ship without any good explanation. How should I understand, Bones? I don’t even now. I don’t get you.”

“Damn it, Jim, I’m a doctor. I care for people, I look after people. I don’t want people looking after me. And I know you would have ordered me to. I know that you already send a request for a new CMO as soon as you got the news. Am I right? What should I have done? Stay here on the Enterprise and do nothing?”

Jim’s mouth opened but no words came out. He didn’t know what to say to McCoy’s outburst.

“That isn’t me, Jim. I had the choice of a normal life with Natira or a cruel last year here on the Enterprise. The former seemed way easier.”

“But we are your friends.” Jim couldn’t imagine to die alone although he somehow had the feeling that would happen someday. He wanted his friends around him, until his last breath, wanted to hold their hands, wanted to hear their voices. That’s why he didn’t understand how McCoy could just leave.

“Yes, Jim, you are my friend and I already saw the worry and concern in your eyes and I knew it only would get worse. With every month it would get worse. First it would turn into hurt and finally into heartbreak. I didn’t want you to have to go through that. It was easier this way.”

“And you just decided this for us? This is not fair, Bones.”

“Yes, I did and maybe it was a little selfish but newsflash, kid, I was the one who was sick. I deserved to be selfish in this situation. I did something I thought would be easier to live with. I thought a clean cut would hurt less than to say goodbye slowly and painfully. I’m sorry, you don’t understand that but I don’t regret my decision.”

The loud voices brought Nurse Chapel out of her office. “Is everything alright in here?” After neither of them said anything, she stepped closer. “Doctor?”

“It’s fine, Christine,” McCoy grumbled but managed a friendly smile for her. “Everything is okay.”

She nodded. “Okay, but call me if you need anything even if it’s to escort Captain Kirk out of medbay because he is upsetting my patients.”

McCoy’s smile widened. “Will do. Thank you, Christine.”

She gave them another nod and turned to go back to her office.

“You actually think she will kick me out of here?” This sentence was on the tip of Jim’s tongue but something stopped him to say it out loud. Somehow it felt wrong. _Something felt_ _wrong_ _between them_.

“I probably should leave then before Nurse Chapel will kick me out,” he said instead, feeling utterly hurt and alone. He stood up, wanted to pat McCoy’s shoulder before leaving but stopped in his motion. He pulled his hand back and put it behind his back, just like he wanted to force it to stay away from McCoy. He was almost out of the door when “Wait, Jim.”

Jim stopped but he couldn’t bring himself to turn around. He felt the sting of tears in his eyes and he wasn’t sure he could contain them if he turned around to face McCoy again. “What do you want, Bones?” he asked with a cold voice. No emotion was better than shouting or crying. Maybe Spock had a point there after all.

“You just want to leave like that?”

Jim laughed dryly. Oh, the irony. He turned around, shrugged exaggeratedly with his shoulders, throwing his arms in the air. “I don’t know, Bones, you tell me.”

“Jim, stop, let’s just talk about it.”

“Talk? Like we did before?” Jim could feel the anger again. It fueled him. He stepped closer to the bed again, pointing an accusing finger towards McCoy. “ _You_ just left me, without any explanation. You just decided that it would be better for me. And for Spock. You didn’t even think about how we would feel.”

“That’s enough, Jim. I thought a lot about your feelings. I thought about how it would destroy you seeing me die slowly and painfully. I saw you get hurt physically so many times, Jim, I can’t count it anymore. I hate it every single time. I didn’t want to see you get hurt emotionally as well. And I didn’t want to be the reason for it. I didn’t want to see you cry because of me.” McCoy took a deep breath before continuing, “Hell, I know that I always try to tickle some feelings out of Spock but seeing him so concerned it frightened me that I might awake some emotions in him he didn’t want to experience.”

Jim stayed quiet for a moment. “It would have been better to have you here, Bones,” he whispered softly.

McCoy continued babbling as if he didn’t hear Jim at all, “I could see it all so clearly. Me getting worse and worse. And you and Spock stopping by my quarters after your shift, every time more worn and tired, more heartbroken. Me wanting to say how much I love you both, how much I regret leaving you but remaining quiet because I don’t want to hurt you even more. I can’t say these things when I know how much it will pain you. And I had this future or the future with Natira. I know it was not perfect, I know it would hurt you but not as much as to see me dying. I could live with you both hating me for it. It would have been better than seeing the love and worry in your eyes.”

Tears had started to run down McCoy’s face and Jim stepped closer, cupped his cheek and wiped away the tears. A small grin spread on Jim’s face. “You love us?”

“What?” McCoy seemed confused but looked up, right into Jim’s eyes.

“You said you would want to tell us how much you love us both.”

“I … I did?” The little flush on McCoy’s face let Jim smile. “Okay, yes, it’s true. I love you and I couldn’t stand the thought of leaving you like that.”

“It’s okay, I think I get it now, Bones. I felt utterly helpless. I can fight. I know how to defeat the most powerful enemy but I couldn’t do anything to fight this sickness. And I know this feeling would have gotten worse so you actually have a point there. I would have tried, so many times, just to _get defeated_ in the end. I just was so angry that you didn’t even give me the chance to try.”

“I’m sorry,” McCoy whispered. “I just wanted-”

“The best for us, I know,” Jim interfered, stroking with his thumb over McCoy’s cheek. “Just don’t leave me like that ever again, please.”

“I won’t.” McCoy suddenly leaned closer and pressed his lips gently on Jim’s. “Promise,” he whispered after the kiss, still lingering onto Jim’s lips. Jim could feel the wide smile on his face, could feel the painful knot in his stomach unravel and felt the warmth spreading from there into his entire body.

“Now we only have to tell Spock that you love him,” Jim stated amused. “I can’t wait to see his face.”

“Damn it, Jim, let’s just forget I ever said that.”

“No way, Bones. This will be so much fun.”


End file.
